Once Upon a Forest
Nc: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! You know…we don’t review enough environmentally-aware films, do we? (The viewer moves the mouse cursor up to the corner of the screen to look at a porn website) NC: Come back! Come back! I assure you, this annoying environmental film has ONE big difference from all the other annoying environmental films. (beat) This one has Michael Crawford! (The viewer moves the mouse cursor up to the corner of the screen to look at another porn website) NC: Hey! Hey, come back here! Come back here! Stop looking at porn! (He grunts to shove the website aside to speak) This is “Once Upon a Forest”! (The website pushes back) D’ahh! (The title screen for the movie is shown, followed by a montage of clips from that movie) NC (voiceover): Yep, I guess the early ‘90s had a freak-out about destroying the environment! Not that it isn’t worth saving, but watching this shit makes me wanna burn down five unprotected rainforests and smoke three endangered species just to even it out! And you might as well add this movie to the list. It’s stupid, it’s predictable, it has that helium-balloon Michael Crawford in it… NC: …it’s a delight. So, let’s sum up this movie’s message by applying the appropriate visuals… (He looks to the bottom right corner of the screen to see NC shaking his head no and making the Forefinger Rub gesture (which means “Shame on you”) to the camera) …this is “Once Upon a Forest.” NC (voiceover): So what kind of story would “Once Upon a Forest” be if it didn’t start out…once upon a forest? (Cut to Abigail, a woodmouse, sitting on a tree branch high above to look at the view of the whole forest) Abigail’s Father: (calls from below) Abigail! NC (voiceover) D’AAAAH! We’re in “Secret of NIMH 2”! NC: Quick! Hide all your Eric Idles! (He makes a shoving motion with both hands to the left side of the screen) Abigail’s Father: There you are. Abigail: Yes, Daddy. (She runs off) See you later! Love you! Abigail’s Father: (waves goodbye as he watches her run off) Me, too, Abigail. NC: (as Abigail’s Father, waves) I love me, too, yes. NC (voiceover): So this is Abigail. She’s off to school with her friends. A hedgehog named Russell, a mole named Edgar, and a badger named Michelle, played by a young Elisabeth Moss from “Mad Men.” Peggy Olson (from “Mad Men”): I am so high. NC: You’ll need to be to get through this. (All the four kids hurry inside Cornelius’ home) Michelle: If Uncle Cornelius asks, tell him it isn’t my fault you’re late! NC (voiceover): I shouldn’t really say it’s off to school, though, as much as for “specifically chosen for whatever reason” kids sitting around listening to that high-pitched fop from “Hello Dolly.” Cornelius: (speaks from behind several tall stacks of books on a desk and raises a hand to point at the kids) Don’t take another step! (All the kids freeze in place) NC (voiceover): This is Cornelius. Woman (from “The Fifth Element”): Corneli-oos! NC (voiceover): Close enough. He’s played, as I said before, by Broadway-sensation Michael Crawford. Now, some consider him a gifted musical genius, others say he’s pretentiously over-the-top. But one thing’s for sure, though, he’s a comedian’s (speaks Irish) pot o’ gold! Cornelius: Prepare to be amazed! (He lets loose a small flying model of some sort from behind his desk, which swoops down and startles his students) Well, what do you have to say? NC: (as one of the kids) You’re lucky Gerard Butler sings worse than you? Cornelius: Nonononononono. About this! (He pulls out his flying model to show the kids) My life’s work! One day, I shall build it full-sized. Russell: I wanna fly it next! Please? Abigail: Don’t be silly. You’ll crash it! Cornelius: Corrrrrect, Abigail. NC (voiceover): You know, there’s only so much whimsy that you can put into every word you say. I mean, does he talk this way with everything else he does? NC: (sits on the toilet and speaks like Cornelius while using whimsical gestures) Oh, no! I’m out of toilet paper! (leaves to stand at the doorway) I best go to the store, for I have a log that I rrrrrrrreally need to drop! (He looks right and walks off in that direction) Whooooo! Cornelius: It’s far too delicate for Furlings. NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah. All the children in this film, by the way, are called “Furlings.” Isn’t that weird? (Four cuts of Cornelius calling the children “Furlings”) NC (voiceover): Why is it fantasy films always have trouble just saying the word “kids”? It’s always “Furlings” or “Younglings” or “Shia Labeouf”! Just call them what they are! Kids! (The flying model is let loose around the place, and the Furlings try to get it) Cornelius: No, Furlings! My books! (Edgar ends up catching it, but a heavy book labeled “Gravity” lands on the model, smashing it into pieces on the ground) Cornelius: (gasps and lifts the book to get at the broken model) Grrrrrreat honk! NC: (confused) What? Cornelius: Grrrrrreat honk! NC: Great honk? (An image of a family of ducks holding a sign “HONK!” is shown below him) Cornelius: Great honk! NC: Great Hulk? (An image of The Incredible Hulk is shown below him) Cornelius: Great honk! NC: Great hawk? (An image of Henery Hawk is shown below him) Cornelius: Great honk! NC: Great hog? (An image of Pumbaa is shown below him) Cornelius: Great honk! NC: (feels uncomfortable) …Stop making up words! Cornelius: Look what you’ve done! The Phantom of the Opera (as sung by Michael Crawford): (dubs over Cornelius) Damn you! You little prying Pandora! You little demon! Now you cannot ever be free! Damn you! CURSE YOU! NC (voiceover): So despite the setback, Cornelius decides to still teach them the lesson for the day, which, surprisingly, is not smacking their red behinds. Cornelius: (points to a tree with his cane) Now, what is this, Furlings? Edgar: A willow, Cornelius! Cornelius: Corrrrrrect! Did you know its bark can be used to cure rheumatism? Michelle: What’s “rumor-tism”? Cornelius: Rheum-ah-tism. NC (voiceover): Yes, what is “rrrrrheumatism”? Is it why Rrrrruffles have rrrrrridges? I rrrrreally rrrrrreally RRRRREALLY like to know! Cornelius: (hears a crack in his back and feels the spot) Ooh! Edgar: Oh! I know! Rheumatism makes your bones hurt when the weather gets damp. Cornelius: Corrrrrect again. (He places a piece of the bark in Edgar’s hand so that he can examine it) Edgar: Wow. NC (voiceover): Well, that’s our first big “Wow” moment, kids; looking at a piece of bark. (He whispers) Although don’t give away the climax where they come across a half-urinated pinecone! (The Furlings play around by tossing Edgar’s hat around back and forth) Cornelius: Furlings! We shall go home right now if you are not going to take this ramble seriously! Edgar: No! No! NC (voiceover): Did he really just call his own speech a ramble?* Like even he knows what he’s saying is 100% bullshit. That’s not very encouraging when your teacher acknowledges that what he’s saying is totally pointless. *(Actually, the ramble is being referred to the field trip Cornelius and the Furlings are on) NC: (as Cornelius) Now, children, how would you like me to prrrrattle on about my uncontrollable bowel syndrome? (smiles) Kids in the Audience: (as the Furlings) Yaaaaaaay! Edgar: (stands on some road pavement) This ground isn’t normal. It’s… (He feels the pavement)…it’s hard. Michelle: And it smells kinda funny. Cornelius: (notices a car approaching) Furlings! NC (voiceover): Will you stop calling them that? It sounds like a racial slur! (Russell ducks as the car drives over him; the passenger throws an empty bottle out the car, and it falls onto the pavement, breaking into pieces) Cornelius: Oh, Russell. It’s rare that a Furling survives an encounter with… Michelle: A monster? Cornelius: That is a good name for it. NC (voiceover): (as Cornelius) It’s rrrrrrrare that a rrrrrrrrange rrrrrrrrover doesn’t rrrrrrrrram you into rrrrrrrrravaged rrrrrrroadkill, you rrrrrrrrrrambunctious little rrrrrrrretard! Cornelius: I want you to forget this place. Edgar: What was it really, Cornelius? NC: (leans forward to the camera) MAN! (The word “MAN!” is displayed next to a panda’s head with a tear on its face while dramatic music plays, then the movie’s antagonist Man is introduced in the style of an old-time newsreel complete with the Critic’s narration) Newsreel Narrator: Yes, Man. Man has always…no, you know what? I’m sick of it. I’m tired of putting Man down all the time. What is wrong with you people? Hell, I like Man! I’m a Man! And I don’t like how we always have to say what a bunch of assholes we are! Hey, you know what’s dangerous? You know what’s really threatening to everybody? (the caption “Animals” is shown with photos of a shark, a tiger and a snake) Animals! They eat people, have sharp teeth and carry several diseases. If you should stay away from anything, stay away from them! (Cut to live-action footage of a woman performing before a lion) Look at this poor woman! She’s doing…God, I don’t know what, but the lion doesn’t like it! (The lion attacks her; the following text is shown onscreen) Animals! Evil! Bad! Wanna kill you! (The narrator resumes speaking normally) They don’t make films about what a bunch of dicks they are! They just fucking eat you! (The caption “Do Not Make Bad Films About Themselves!” is shown, then the following text as the narrator speaks it) Animals! You better eat them, before they eat you! (Footage of the lion attacking a woman is shown again) Look at that, right the fuck outta nowhere! (Back to the movie) Cornelius: Here’s the big surprise! (He pulls some bushes away to reveal a small primitive boat) Furlings: Wow! Look it! A boat! Cornelius: Get in! Get in! (Cut to everyone in the boat) Cornelius: Alright. Abigail, Russell, you paddle first. NC (voiceover): (as Cornelius) Perhaps we should sing a song. (starts to sing) Rrrrrow, rrrrrow, rrrrrrow your boat, gently down the strrrrrrream! (normal) But unfortunately, just as Cornelius was talking about the evils of Man, one of evils of Man shows up, as a truckload of poisonous gas gets into an accident (after driving over the broken bottle) and spreads through the forest. (Poisonous gas leaks out and spreads through the forest, killing the flowers that it passes by) NC: Oh, please, mother of God! Tell me that green gas has the singing voice of Tim Curry! Hexxus (as the green gas): (sings) Green with envy! Mmmm! Crawling from my ass! You will smell my to-to-to-toxic gas! NC (voiceover): So as the (speaks like Cornelius) Furlings (normal) return, they see that everyone has abandoned their homes, and some didn’t even make it out alive. Michelle: Mommy! Daddy? (She runs off) Cornelius: Michelle! Michelle: Mommy, is that you? (She runs inside her home) Edgar: Wait, Michelle! Russell: No! Abigail: It’s dangerous! (All three start to go inside) Cornelius: No, Furlings! There’s a deadly gas in there! NC: (as Cornelius) They had Taco Bell just before they left home! Abigail: Well, I’m not waiting! (She goes inside) Cornelius: Cover your mouth! NC (voiceover): So Abigail finds that Michelle’s parents didn’t survive. (He fakes sympathy) Oh, no! That is so sad. NC: We should do a montage of all the times we see ‘em to show just what an impact they left on us. (Only the single shot of Michelle’s parents dead is shown with a background singer singing “I will remember”) NC: You enjoy that? OK. NC (voiceover): She also comes across Michelle, who apparently has passed out. Abigail: (has covered her mouth and goes over to Michelle to rub the top of her head; Michelle groans) Michelle. NC (voiceover): Come on, we all know that’s not the first time an Elisabeth Moss character has breathed in something hazardous. Peggy Olson (from “Mad Men”): I am so high. NC: I wish I was. NC (voiceover): But Abigail gets her out and they try to figure out how to save her. In the meantime, Cornelius tells the (speaks like Cornelius) Furlings (normal) exactly what did this. Cornelius: A long time ago, I lived far away in a place called Willowbrook. (Flashback to Cornelius as a child and spending Christmas with his family) Cornelius: (narrates) We heard the sound. Mother and Father told us to run. (Young Cornelius and his sister start to run and escape) We got out, but Mother and Father…they didn’t. (Man lays a bear trap in front of the entrance where Cornelius’s parents stand) NC (voiceover): Boy, this film is all about the parenting badger deaths, isn’t it? If you’re a badger and you help make life, your ass is gas! (Back to the present) Cornelius: There was nothing I could do for my mother or father. NC: Yeah, from what I understand, most people named Cornelius have bad blood against Man. Cornelius (from “Planet of the Apes”): (reads from the sacred scroll of the apes) “Beware the Beast Man, for he is the Devil’s pawn.” Cornelius: But there is something you can do for Michelle. I need special plants. Abigail: But everything in our meadow is dead. Cornelius: Then you must find another. Russell: Another meadow? Cornelius: There’s no choice! You only have two days time! Russell: You’re coming with us, right? Cornelius: I wish I could, but I dare not leave her side. NC (voiceover): Uhh, wouldn’t it make more sense if YOU went looking for the plants and the CHILDREN stayed with Michelle? Obviously, this is incredibly dangerous, so why risk losing the lives of four children instead of one? NC: I mean, seriously, why don’t you—a grown adult—go on this mission instead of sacrificing these little children? NC’s Cornelius: Ah bup bup! Rrrrrrrheumatism! (The word “Rheumatism” appears above his head as his arms are spread wide) NC: Oh, yeah. Rheumatism. NC’s Cornelius: (chuckles) Heeheeheeeeee. Edgar: We’ll be by ourselves? Cornelius: No. You’ll have each other. NC: Which…pretty much means you’ll be by yourselves. Cornelius: You’ll want an early start. (He pulls out some blankets to give to the Furlings) Now, get some sleep, and if you dream…dream of better times for Michelle and Dapplewood. NC (voiceover): Boy, he’s even telling them what to dream! This guy’s a bit of a dickhole! I’m sorry, it’s just he didn’t even ask them to do this or start out by saying, “I’ll go,” and then maybe let one of them volunteer instead. No! He just forced them to endanger their lives! He’s kind of a jerkoff! NC’s Cornelius: Ah bup bup! Need we forget? Rrrrrrrheumatism! (The word “Rheumatism” appears above his head as his arms are spread wide) NC: Rheumatism. NC’s Cornelius: Rheumatism, yes. NC (voiceover): And of course, it wouldn’t be a Michael Crawford…well, anything…unless he sung. Cornelius: (sings to Michelle) You’ve barely made a start. Just one beat of my heart… NC (voiceover): And here’s where people usually split on Crawford. You either love his singing, or you’re really annoyed by it. But I think we can all agree that it goes all over the place, starting from a high-pitched soothingness… Cornelius: (sings) No matter how I mark the hours light and dark… NC (voiceover): And then, in a millisecond, changing to a shaky low tone. Cornelius: Leave dark dreams behind. NC: (as Michael Crawford, singing first in a high-pitched soothingness) Whether I sing like this, (then to a shaky low tone by shaking his throat with one hand) or if I sing like this (high-pitched softness), either way, (low) I feel (high) we’ll (low) have (high) a-(low)nother (high) raise! NC (voiceover): That and, to me, his singing always sounds like a two-minute long sigh. Cornelius: (sings) But it’s still early morning for you. Young Voice Off-screen: Hey, Mr. Crawford! They’re out of Yoo-hoo at the grocery store! NC: (as Michael Crawford, sighs before singing) Ohh, I guess I’ll go with Fresco. NC (voiceover: Well, either way, he only gets one song, as the story must continue with the (speaks like Cornelius) Furlings (normal) going into the wilderness to find a cure. They come across an open field where a dangerous owl looks out for prey, and of course, he finds it. (The owl swoops down to grab Abigail; Russell and Edgar grab onto her, but Abigail loses her grip and both Russell and Edgar fall to the ground) Abigail: Help! NC (voiceover): Well, one down, two more to go! Soon, all the kids will be dead thanks to Cornelius’ cowardliness! But hey, that’s… NC’s Cornelius: Rrrrrrrheumatism! (The word “Rheumatism” appears above his head as his arms are spread wide) NC (voiceover): But it’s OK. Abigail uses a magnifying glass to make her teeth look bigger, and that actually scares the owl. * of all animals, my Furling ass! *(I don’t know what he said there) (Abigail falls out of the hole that’s in the tree and onto Edgar and Russell, who happened to be climbing up the tree to get her; they all fall to the ground) NC (voiceover): After they escape, they try to get some shuteye for the night so they’ll save their strength in the morning. Suddenly, they hear something in the distance. (The Furlings peek through some grass to see a funeral march going on with a gospel choir of birds singing) NC: Oh, I’m sorry! Another…movie seems to be passing through. (He shrugs in confusion) (The funeral march and singing continues on) Frodo (from “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring”): (speaks to Samwise) They’re going to the harbor beyond the high towers. Grey Haven. NC (voiceover): So it sort of takes a while to figure out what’s going on, but it looks like a bunch of these birds are having a funeral for another bird that hasn’t died yet. See why it’s confusing?! What actually is going on is the birds are saying goodbye to a younger bird, (speaks like Cornelius) a Birdling, if you will, (normal) because he got stuck in the mud and seems to slowly be sinking. And when I say “slowly,” I mean not moving at all. It’s not like the parents could just bring him food and still look after him. No, no. He’s a goner! Draw the funeral, even though he’s alive! Leave the corpse. Bosworth (the boy bird stuck in the mud): Goodbye, Mother! Mother Bird: Bosworth! Oh, my son! NC (voiceover): But the kids figure out a way to get the little bird out, so this calls for several minutes of musical padding! Preacher Bird: (sings) Well, well, well, Hallelujah! Bird Chorus: Hallelujah! (The exchanging of “Hallelujah!” between the preacher bird and the chorus continues as the film intercuts briefly with clips from “The Blues Brothers” of a gospel choir singing, dancing and doing acrobatic flips; The whole group marches away while the song continues and fades, and Edgar waves goodbye before dancing along to the music) Slappy Squirrel (from “Animaniacs”): That was pointless. NC (voiceover): But the birds are kind enough to say where another meadow lies for them to find the plants they’re looking for. Preacher Bird: The only path lies that way… (He gestures toward a direction)…across a cursed ground, over which my flock will not even fly. NC: (as the Preacher Bird) That is, on account of our rheumatism. NC (voiceover): So they try to make it further, but come across a bunch of bulldozers and other machines that they confuse for yellow dragons. But they manage to escape and eventually do come across another meadow. Heck, it even has other animals in it! Waggs (a squirrel): They’re just here to steal our food! Edgar: No! We’re just looking for lungwort and eyebright. We need the herbs to help a sick badger! Waggs: Why would a mole, a mouse and a hedgehog wanna help a foul-smelling, worm-eating, good-for-nothing badger? NC: Uhm….Pop-tarts? Monk (from NC’s “Revenge of the Nostalgia Commercials”): IT’S NOT POPTARTS! Russell: Hey! Look at all the eyebright! NC (voiceover): That’s right, they come across the eyebright, one half of the plants they needed. So where’s the other plant located? (Camera shot of the lungwort growing along the side of a rocky cliff, and the camera pans back to reveal how high it is located; dramatic music plays as we hear Homer Simpson go, “D’oh!”) Waggs: No one in Oakdale’s ever been able to reach it. Russell: I know how to get up there. (He pulls out Cornelius’ plans for his invention) We’ll use Cornelius’ Flapper Wingamathing. Edgar: Russell, good thinking! NC (voiceover): Uhh, yeah. Just take the plans for a device that took months and months to build and make it ten times bigger in just a matter of a few hours! Yeah, I’d like to see that happen—(cut to the full-size device completed) WHAT THE FUCK? (The Furlings fly the device into the air) NC (voiceover): OK, there’s MacGyver, and then there’s God! And this is…Mac-God-ver! There is no way you can do this! Russell: Yay! We’re flying! NC (voiceover): So on top of getting it to fly, they can also steer the thing! Funny! I wonder how the mechanics of leaves, sticks and animal dung can manage to put together complete aviation control! (The Furlings attempt to fly close to the cliff to get at the lungwort, but a couple parts of the device get damaged from flying too close) NC (voiceover): So Abigail tries to grab the plant but misses. Luckily, Edgar’s there to save her, but they come across a major problem. Abigail: (disappointed) It’s no use now. The lungwort’s gone. We failed. Edgar: No, we haven’t! (Abigail looks up to see Edgar try to reach for the lungwort that got caught on the edge of one of the wings of the device) NC (voiceover): (sputters) Wha-je-buh-how the hell did that happen?! What, was the plant trying to commit suicide and just happened to land on the plane? What the rrrrrraging hell? Oh, well, who cares? The (speaks like Cornelius) Furlings (normal) take their plants and decide to go home. (The device flies high above the clouds) NC (voiceover): Wow, they’re getting some good height on that thing, aren’t they? In fact, that begs the question: If they could build this thing in just a few hours, why didn’t they build it before they left on this adventure? Wouldn’t it have cut the travelling time in half? NC: In fact, why couldn’t Cornelius build it while the children were asleep? Let me guess… NC’s Cornelius: R to the H to the E to the U-M-A-TISM! RuhruhruhRheumatism! (The word “Rheumatism” appears above his head as his arms are spread wide) NC (voiceover): So the kids land and finally make it back home with the plants to make the cure. (The Furlings go inside Cornelius’ home) NC (voiceover): (as Cornelius) It’s OK, it turns out she just needs some aspirin! How are you? Cornelius: My Furlings! You’re back! Did you get the herbs? NC (voiceover): But it turns out more shit is after them as it seems EVIL MAN is looking for them outside. (Everyone inside the home escape; Edgar’s jacket catches on a branch, and he falls and loses everything on himself (his jacket, hat, and glasses), leaving him naked) NC (voiceover): After exposing some mole frontal nudity, we see that Edgar gets caught, as Man will no doubt sacrifice him to their pollution god! (One of Man takes Edgar out of the trap and lets him go) Man: There you go, little fella. (Edgar runs off as Man stomps on the cage to destroy it) NC (voiceover): What’s this? Man rrrrrreasonable? NC: OK, clearly you have no idea how early ‘90s animated environmental films work! Rule number one: (The movie poster is shown with the caption “Animated Environmental Film Rules” on top and NC listing off the rules) NC (voiceover): Man is the Devil, Anything Not Man is Good, and Your Movie Must Bomb. ' NC: You got two of those down, but number one is still a biggie. NC (voiceover): So after wrapping her (Michelle) in a Slim Suit, they try giving her the (speaks like Cornelius) herbs (normal) and wait until morning to see if it works. But sadly, it doesn’t look like she’s waking up. (Cornelius and the Furlings sob; Cornelius holds Michelle tight as a tear comes from his eye and falls onto Michelle’s nose, causing a stir from her) Michelle: Momma? NC: Oh, of course! The missing ingredient! Pikachu tears mixed with the heart of Inspector Gadget while magic moonbeams drop down during the chanting of “We care!” after taking her from the Genesis planet. (slaps his head) Whoopsie! Cornelius: Oh, Michelle, my child! You’re alright! (He speaks to the other Furlings) You three—you have changed so much these past few days. You’re no longer my Furlings. NC (voiceover): (as Cornelius) You are Fur-Natures. (normal) And wouldn’t you know it? All the family members come back at the exact same time to collect their children. Oh, what a happy day! Michelle: Uncle Cornelius! All the mommies and daddies are coming back! Cornelius: (looks sad) Not all, my dear. (He bends down to hug her) NC: ….Well, that’s a fucking downer. NC (voiceover): Talk about Captain Buzzkill! How many other happy endings do you ruin with your sad, awkward facts? NC #1: (holds a wine glass filled with water) Woo-hoo! I just won the lottery! NC #2: (as Cornelius) Yes, but 9/11 still happened. (NC #1 still smiles (while sensing the awkwardness of the sad fact) and shrugs, spilling some of his water) Michelle: (sniffles) I guess nothing will ever be the same again, will it, Uncle Cornelius? Cornelius: Well, my dear, if we all work as hard to save Dapplewood, it will be. (The camera pans up through the trees to view the grand landscape of the forest) NC (voiceover): (as Michelle) Does that mean my mom and dad will come back to life? (as Cornelius) No, dear, they’re dead and buried. Well, not yet buried. Hey! I just figured out a fun activity for you to do tomorrow! NC: So that was “Once Upon a Forest,” or as the ‘90s likes to call it, “Ferngully…18.” (Clips from the movie start playing as NC speaks) NC (voiceover): This isn’t the worst of those environmental films as it does try to take a few more chances, like keeping the parents dead and not making Man entirely evil, but it doesn’t do those elements especially well. The characters are pretty bland, the animation’s OK, but nothing film-worthy. And it’s just the same message that every other environmental film in the ‘90s had. Though not horrible, it’s pretty weak. I just didn’t feel like it brought anything that any other film hasn’t brought before. It’s just a weak, weak film. NC: So you see? It didn’t kill ya to hear another environmental review, did it? I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it— (The viewer brings the mouse cursor up to the left corner of the screen to view another porn website) NC (voiceover): You guys are asses. THE END Channel Awesome Tagline—Cornelius: Rrrrheumatism.